Do you live with a "blamer"? How do you get free of being the one blamed for everything that goes wrong? Blessings, Jai. Jaianniah I am asking a rhetorical question. I live alone, but when I was a child, and even into my young adulthood, I was hurt with blame.
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I am a writer and a scientist. I've read several books about blamers, and I want to share what I've learned. They go by many different names: Debbie Downer, Negative Nelly, emo, the-glass-is-half-empty kind of person, crazymaker, pessimist, et cetera, et cetera. They come in many different forms, from the kid that lives in the dorm room down the hall who talks about death all day and complains about not having friends to the over-critical and overbearing mother-in-law.
No matter what name you call them by, or how you know them, this kind of person always sucks the life right out of you. They kill your confidence with a single remark, twist your good news into bad news in seconds, make a happy, healthy person depressed, and they generally just make life miserable. Dealing with a negative person is never pleasant, but blamers can be the worst type.
A 'blamer' is a type of narcissist meaning they have an inflated sense of self who, in their own eyes, can do no wrong. Everything that happens wrong around or to them, whether their own fault or not, is immediately blamed on the other people in their life. Blamers are the most difficult type of negative person to deal with, and dealing with them often leaves you stressed, depressed, and feeling guilty for things that are not your fault. The best thing to do is to ignore or avoid the Negative Nelly in your life or get them out of your life as quickly as possible.
Cut the cord, and never look back. That is the advice most self-help books will give you. Maybe that person is your parent or sibling, maybe that person is your roommate and you can't move, or—even worse—maybe that person is your boss, the guy who never has anything nice to say, and you have to look at pictures of kittens and rainbows just to get through the day.
How one deals with your common, everyday Debbie Downer will not work on a blamer. You need to adopt different techniques. But it can be difficult to even identify a blamer, let alone know when to use these different techniques. There is no personality type associated with a blamer; they come in all walks of life. However, below are typical traits and common characteristics to help you identify whether or not that negative person in your life is really a blamer, and what you can do about it.
A blamer refuses to admit they have ever done anything wrong. In a blamer's mind, they honestly believe this to be true. They will always consider themselves a victim, and no matter what really happened, if something goes wrong it is always someone else's fault. So they will not apologize, for anything, because they consider themselves blameless in every situation.
If by rare chance they do apologize, it will always be a backhanded apology. Somehow the blamer will turn it around on you and make you feel guilty for their mistake. This can especially be prominent in the workplace, as a blamer will always take credit when things are going good, and will always blame everyone around them, but themselves, when things are going bad.
A blamer will argue a point to death. Even if you provide them with proof that they are wrong, they will argue that your proof or your facts are wrong. They will even use facts that they have made up to argue their point. You will never win, because a blamer is never wrong. Even if a blamer knows what they did or said was wrong, they will never admit it.
They will keep arguing until you give up so they never have to admit they were wrong. Blaming others for their failures makes them feel better about themselves and their failures. So blamers will do everything in their power to make their failure your fault, making you feel guilty for things which you have no control over.
That little voice in your head telling you that you can't make it, that is really the blamer in your life. Blamers are also constantly criticizing you and other people, and constantly making negative comments about people. Nothing nice ever comes out of their mouth. Ex: You bring your report card home with 5 A's and and 1 B. They'll make a comment, such as "well you didn't get all A's.
Who has heard this one? They couldn't possibly have hurt your feelings, or they couldn't possibly be being mean if they were only telling the truth. Or somehow attaching an 'I was only joking' on the end of a nasty comment makes everything okay. Blamers do not believe there is anything wrong with their conduct and sometimes that is the worst part. They will never know how nasty they really are.
Typical of your usual Debbie Downer, blamers will only look at the negatives in every situation. There are no positives, ever, for them. The most important person to a blamer is themselves. Remember they are narcissists. Ex: Your parent will expect you to make sacrifices so that they can get dentures, but they will refuse to pay for you to get braces.
They will also expect you to drop everything to focus on them. In fact they will guilt trip you into it if you don't do it. If you try to defend yourself from their verbal abuse, they will escalate the fight. They are also hyper sensitive to criticism, real or imagined.
They do not take criticism well at all. If you dare criticize them, you better be prepared for them to blame all of their shortcomings on you. A blamer is always paranoid that you are talking about them because they believe everything is about them.
Blamers are also an expert at turning the tables, or in other words, distorting your words or putting words in your mouth. They make manipulation look easy.
Ex: Your parent is a blamer, and you tell your therapist about the verbal abuse and emotional manipulation they put you through.
The blamer then pesters you about what you talk about with your therapist until you tell them. They then make you feel guilty for talking about it with your therapist and for ever even thinking such things in the first place. You make a comment back to them, and then you have to listen to them tell you for the next half hour that you are a horrible person and have no sympathy for criticizing them. To be fair, nobody likes change, but a blamer will often freak out if you so much as change one tiny detail of their plans or environment.
This goes along with the fact that they hate change. Blamers will not change their ways, and they will not compromise. Even if your way is better, you cannot reason with a blamer. That tiny headache is suddenly a 'migraine. I often call this 'crying wolf,' as something is always wrong with them even though it is usually not true. The same goes for their successes, which ends up with them bragging about the smallest accomplishment. If you often feel like you are dealing with a child and not an adult, you are probably dealing with a blamer.
They will often repeat things over and over and over again, horrible things about you or the people around them. They are extremely selfish and always put their needs first, just like a child, and just like a child they do not accept responsibility for their actions. Blamers are a disdainful and demeaning person. You often want to believe they can be nice, especially if that person is your spouse or parent, but they are never nice.
Do not let yourself fall into the trap into believing they can be nice or a good person. Not every blamer will have all these traits and the blamer in your life may have other characteristics not listed here. But all blamers leave you feeling horrible about yourself after interacting with them. Here's how to curb those negative thoughts and feelings that interacting with a blamer leaves you with.
After scouring the internet, reading a few books on the subject and through my own dealings with the blamer in my life, I have discovered that there really is no good way to deal with blamers. You are going to have to put your personal feelings aside and be the bigger person, which is really, really hard to do. Their attacks are childish and immature, and it is really easy to get sucked into mimicking their behavior. There is no easy way to deal with them.
You can try avoiding them, but then they leave you a text message or voicemail, or make a passing remark at a family outing that sends you into a rage. Cutting them completely out of your life is the best thing to do, but if you can't, these tips might help. They will never take responsibility for their actions. They will never say sorry. They will never change. A blamer is not going to change, because they do not believe they need to. Blamers believe they are perfect. So stop trying to change them.
It is never going to happen. You also have to give up on trying to live up to their expectations. No matter how hard you try, you will never do anything perfect in their eyes, so trying harder will not make them nicer or say less horrible things to you. Blamers will always find something to criticize no matter how hard you try.
You will never get it. The minute you get defensive is the minute the fight escalates. Instead, listen to what they have to say, and demonstrate that you understand what they are trying to say.
If you really are at fault, own up to your responsibility and ask them how to resolve the issue. Be as emotionless as possible.
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has anyone read Blamers by catherine pratt?
I am a writer and a scientist. I've read several books about blamers, and I want to share what I've learned. They go by many different names: Debbie Downer, Negative Nelly, emo, the-glass-is-half-empty kind of person, crazymaker, pessimist, et cetera, et cetera. They come in many different forms, from the kid that lives in the dorm room down the hall who talks about death all day and complains about not having friends to the over-critical and overbearing mother-in-law. No matter what name you call them by, or how you know them, this kind of person always sucks the life right out of you. They kill your confidence with a single remark, twist your good news into bad news in seconds, make a happy, healthy person depressed, and they generally just make life miserable. Dealing with a negative person is never pleasant, but blamers can be the worst type.
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In them you'll find some solid tips and strategies that you can very easily put in to practice right away. They contain in-depth information on building your confidence and dealing with negative people, and give you the very basics on how to handle just about any situation you come across. Catherine's Website you'll understand that she has a very straight forward and practical approach to building your confidence. These are all ebooks so there's no waiting. You'll be able to download the file instantly to your computer and start making those positive life changes immediately.
Blamers By Catherine Pratt
Negative people. They're like human black holes which suddenly come out of nowhere and just suck the life out of you. You try to stay positive and remain strong but their negativity ends up just completely draining you, you feel exhausted, and you may also start to feel depressed too. So what can you do?